Speech written for the Destiny Woman's Conference held annually in Binghamton, NY
I know you are tired and many of you are emotionally drained. 20+ years ago, Ruth and I sat with the Rev. Gail, director of RMM, and she told how she wanted to sponsor a woman’s support group. She knew Ruth had her hand on the hearts of hurting people or just people in need of a safe place to talk. I was the ministry liason and Ruth was my best friend so it was only natural we worked together. Or I should say, I followed Ruth’s lead! At one point we knew we needed a small weekend retreat so people could have a place to deal without having to run off to fix supper or pick up kids. I would move away but Ruth stayed and continued to build on this retreat and now it is a state wide woman’s conference. Keep in mind this is 25 years of meeting obstacles and embracing challenge but this conference is proof challenges can be met, embraced and conquered.
Most of you know this already and I know Ruth wanted me to speak--not only because it brings us full circle--but because she knew my life had so many highs and lows and yet, here I stand, still alive and still growing and embracing challenges.
I am a traveling nanny. This means I travel with parents on vacations or provide childcare at their house when parents need to have some couple time.
I have visited over 14 countries and been in 48 of the 50 states. From Alaska to China, Europe, Australia, South America, Mexico, let’s just say it has been an amazing journey. Sounds glamorous right?
Even if I tell you that I am working, and traveling with children is indeed hard work! My jobs are 24/7 and while I do have some time off usually, it is not guaranteed. I do get to see a lot of the country as parents want me with them during family time so they can have an extra hand. When they want complete family time--I can disappear and entertain myself. If we are renting a house then my time off may be just exploring the area on foot and reading a book or taking a nap! Or maybe they drop me off in the nearest village for a few hours and I get to snap some pics and shop for souvenirs.
What skills do you need to make it in this wacky profession?
To work 24/7 you must have endurance or boundless energy--for the first time it pays to be ADHD! Seriously--we multi-task well and we are always hyper!
You need to be fearless--you going into the unknown. I often meet my parents for the first time when I walk off the plane. And I have no idea if they are good or anxious travelers, if the kids will be polite or whining or if we will have delays, problems with the hotels etc. And yet, I am often the one they turn to fix or minimize the problems.
So I guess we have to add problem solver skills into that list.
Success in my job depends on my people skills as parents are my biggest concern. There is rarely a child I can’t bond to within the first 15 minutes. Child know who will care about them and even if the child has a few issues, I can appreciate the child and work on the issues.
I guess you could say you need maternal and intuitive skills--that means I need to be able to sense the reason behind the problem to solve it.
People skills are harder to acquire. Yet, I am successful because I truly like my parents and they know I don’t judge them and work to make their trip and life filled with good memories. It is the parents I need understand and be able to work around their personalities. If something needs to be done differently and they let me know it--I need to absorb that information and think how I can improve my skills rather than be upset or see it as personal criticism.
I need to be able to look at issues from all angles if I am going to solve problems. I recognize I am not perfect and can make mistakes and just have to learn as fast as I can on the job.
I need to be adventurous! I have been in the heart of muslim country in Morocco and in the outback in Australia. It is always my goal to get to know the people of a country and widen my perspective of the world.
I have seen people do nothing but find fault in a country or their people and I just want to yell to them “stay home”!
So let’s add optimism/independent to the skills needed. I need to see the best in people and in the areas we travel if I am going to keep everyone uplifted.
Remember I said it’s not always easy? I have been sick on the job--kids give you the virus right before you take off and you are running a fever and cough during half of the trip, or your knee starts swelling because you were walking up stairs carrying a 40 lb child or your allergies take off in NY pollution.
What do I do? I have to still do the job, even I load up on aspirin, cough medicine, knee braces or antihistamines--I put a smile on my face and keep doing my job. It is not my client’s fault I have a problem--they are paying me to perform my duties. I might collapse at night or spend every break applying creams or taking naps, but I keep doing the job.
So let’s add perseverance to the skills list.
While we are at it, let’s add the ability to eat just about anything! You can’t be a picky eater while traveling! You can stick to salads if you are really picky but hopefully, you take advantage of trying different cultural foods. Remember that ability to be adventurous?!
Let’s call this adaptability.
The last quality you need is a strong sense of business skills. You need to be able to communicate in the written form as most of your communication is emails or texts. The clients really don’t have time to just sit on the phone and talk. Maybe once the job is confirmed, a phone call might take place. But you learn more about the client, the children and the expectations when you write as people are just more open and they aren’t listening to you talk so they can dish out more information.
The written form allows you to have a copy of expectations and helps you to prepare for the family. You get a feeling for the client’s personality by the way they write.
I often deal only with the father or just the mother. Men deal differently during business transaction and I adapt my answers and questions to their style.
Many a nanny has tried to enter this field and failed due to their lack of communication/business skills. You don’t need a ton of computer skills but you should have the basics and the ability to write out your thoughts.
You also need to figure out how to write a basic contract--there are mentors that will help you with this but you have to have the guts and savy to enforce it so you don’t get taken advantage of and the client still likes you!
Last, but not least, let’s add to the skills, the ability to “think out of the box” whether dealing with children, parents or planning on how to market your business.
So our list includes:
Endurance - high energy level
Fearless - Adventurous
Problem Solver
Intuitive
People skills
Professionalism - be able to take constructive criticism
Optimism/Independent
Perseverance
Adaptability
Business Skills
Be able to “think out of the box”
Maybe right now you are thinking--wow--I could never be this talented! I don’t know what career your destiny will take you too--but I can tell you this--40 years ago I was you. I was a 25 year old married woman with only a high school diploma. I had no idea of what my talents were or even if I had any talents!
I had to have a job out of high school and the only skill I had was mediocre typing skills. A local insurance company hired me as a receptionist. I discovered I was good at working with the public and eventually I was given a chance to write high risk insurance policies for agents. Slowly my business skills and people skills began to improve and an agent hired me away to work for him.
I was good at what I did but I was bored and dissatisfied with my life. I still lived in my home town of Louisville and while I loved my family, I never felt like I fit in to the conservative community.
I met my husband at 20 who was in the army at the time, Fort Knox, and he was from California. We married 6 months after we met--he said I married him to get out of Kentucky and to be honest he was half right!
As soon as he was discharged we moved to California. California--I finally had a chance to learn “who I was” and not what my family or community wanted me to be!
The insurance field is open and you can pretty much get a job anywhere. Twelve months into another insurance job and I knew I had to find another field. I wasn’t making that much--I think I took low paying jobs so that I would have the freedom to quit when I got bored. I saw an ad for a receptionist for the Roller Derby in Hollywood. It would be a 28 mile one way trip but the hours were late enough I wouldn’t hit rush hour traffic.
I got the job and my people skills and business skills were establish by then so within 6 months I got promoted as assistant to the VP--not really that prestigious as he was the owner’s son and younger than me! It was another person that I actually worked with and we were in charge of getting our roller teams into Japan and other countries for tournaments. It was show business all the way as everything was planned. I learned how to do working visas, travel plans and at least I was learning something new.
When they changed the hours a year later and I found myself in bumper to bumper traffic for 28 miles, I was able to quit and get unemployment.
For the first time, I had cash coming in and could think seriously about a new field. My natural high energy found me bored in no time and I got this idea to volunteer at the local elementary school.
All weekend people have talked about Destiny guiding your personal and career life. You won’t get the skills for your final destiny without stepping out of your secure zone. I am proof of this as I had no skills for working with kids--in fact I had never even wanted to work with kids! I had always hated school so even that held no pull over me! So why was I drawn to go and volunteer with no skills in this area?
I have no idea---but if I was to venture a guess, Destiny was calling--and when Destiny calls--it will provide the opportunities to learn that you need. You can fight it all you want but it will keep pulling you towards its goal.
I have felt this pull since I was 4 and had learned to just go with it. So I didn’t think twice when this idea kept popping into my mind.
To make a long story short, I not only volunteered but was given a part time position when my unemployment stopped to continue working with a male 3rd grade teacher as his assistant.
This would be the first career that I loved--that I couldn’t wait to get to work! I discovered I had this ability to work with kids who “thought out of the box”, who were labeled as difficult or who had trouble learning. My teacher let me experiment on the best way to help them and since he was lousy at discipline, just turned it over to me.
At 26 years old, I finally found something I was good at and proud of at the same time. But it was only part time and the pay was pretty bad! But the hours were perfect as I found out I was expecting a child.
Junior college was free in California and I begin to dream of getting my teacher’s degree some day. For the first time I had a real goal!
I was on top of my mountain so as always in my life, I walked over the cliff when my husband decided to go back to school and do it in Ky where my family could help with our child as I would need to go back to work full time.
Talk about depressed. It had taken me 21 years to get out of Ky and he was taking me back! I was so angry and yet I wanted t support him. So I did that prayer thing--you know--where you try to bargain with God? I told God if there was a real reason for me to go back, if there was something I needed to learn there, then make my house sell fast as could not stand the thought of waiting the 9 months to see if we could sell. If it sold fast, I would take it as a sign and not complain. We put our house up for sale on Friday night and it was sold by 2pm Saturday. I began to pack.
It was agreed we’d get him through school and then I would go and work on that teacher’s degree. My daughter was 15 months when we moved back and her bond with her grandparents during the 4 years we were there was the best thing to happen. It was a bond that held them together all their life. So I thought, that’s why we moved….
I took a job as a teacher’s assistant in a school for delinquents. I was fortunate to work with a teacher who was ahead of his time. He thought that if we could find out why these boys got so far behind in school, we might find there were learning disabilities. And if we could “fix it” maybe they could succeed, stay in school and stay out of trouble.
Our 12 guys were 13-15. These young men taught me so much about perseverance and how to reach them if I just “thought out of the box”. I found if I listened to my natural intuitive skills--which until then I never I had!--I could bond to these boys and they would learn to trust me.
Once again, I began to love my job.
Then I got unexpectedly pregnant. My daughter was 5 and I had accepted the fact my female problems would prevent a second pregnancy. Then boom! Just when I felt like I had a chance to go back to school---I am pregnant and I have a painful pregnancy.
My family was wonderful and I realized if I had not moved back--I don’t know if I could have handled the pain and a 5 year old.
By 32 I had two children and while I still do not like Kentucky--I still did not feel like I fit in-- I was getting comfortable on the top of my mountain.
Of course that is when the landslide came as Jim graduated from Tech school and IBM hired us to live in Poughkeepsie, NY. I knew then I’d neve make it to college. There was no way I could work, go to school and raise a child. Plus, college was expensive in New York.
The first time we drove through, the city girl in me asked where the rest of the town was and Jim said, uh this is it! I thought, NO, you can’t bring me to the middle of no where! It was tough.
To complicate life, my husband went through a midlife crisis--maybe because all of his coworkers were 20 and carefree while he was trying to support a family on an entry level position. We managed to work through the problems and settled in Highland NY in a house that was always needing some repair. But it was all we could afford and better than apartment living. Cost of living was high and he was starting at the bottom. I needed a part time job. My daughter was in school but my son was only 2. I needed part time work but how could I ever afford to pay a babysitter? I felt lost and alone. I had started taking my kids to the one southern baptist church in Poughkeepsie and through my sunday school class met a woman who would live 1 mile down the road from a part time job as a secretary for a plumber’s union. She volunteered to watch him so her son could have a playmate and I could pay her whatever I could afford!
She also became a close friend. Basically the only friend at that time. Her daughter was my daughter’s age and her other 2 boys close to my son’s age. They grew up together with birthday parties and weekend barbeque. Eventually my husband got moved up to where we had a livable wage.
I really hated my job after awhile. Great bosses but I knew that business would always bore me. But we still needed my part time job and I needed to be something other than a mom. The good news is I came to love small town living. I always knew the parents of the kids my daughter and son hung out with and I felt safe.
I found volunteering was the final step in satisfying this growing need to feel useful. I only had an emotional need but Destiny knew I need additional skills. I volunteered to be the Cadet and Senior Girl Scout leader. I wanted my daughter to stay in GS and no one wanted to work with teen girls. We grew from 7 teens to 35 in the 3 years I was leader. Girl Scouting taught me how to organize trips on a shoe string, how to bring a diverse bunch of teens into a cohesive team. I learned how to write Grants to take a team to their Wyoming camp. And another benefit was one of my teens would be the daughter of Ruth and it would bind us together for a life time.
I saw an ad for an administrative assistant for the Rural Migrant Ministry. I applied, got the job and found my second Destiny. I began to understand the difference between charity and empowerment. I was given the challenge of raising money
through donations and was instrumental in helping to establish the first camp for rural and migrant kids. Ruth and I did so many of those projects together.
Sounds like life was finally kind to me, right? Then I found out my son who always had impulsive problems had Tourettes and I found out that I would have to learn to be an advocate for this child who seemed to have the same Destiny as me--every peaceful valley would have 5 mountains to climb.
In the midst of this a drunk driver hit me and my health went down hill and I had to quit my job. Bored and depressed I knew something had to change. Ruth and I were concerned about the racial issues facing our high school. My last GS outing had me taking teens to the Martin Luther King conference with Ruth. Our teens grew determined to continue going to conferences and came back with wonderful community projects. So Ruth and I formed U.N.I.T.Y. teen group, to help them reach that goal. We had no money, neither of us had a job due to our health, but together we brainstormed for community scholarships and I began writing grants. There’s not enough time to tell of the challenges we faced. But we managed to get to 4 conferences and those teens are parents today and still talk about how it impacted their lives.
Just when I thought I was finding myself, IBM has its first layoff and we found ourself taking the bridge to retirement--we needed the medical benefits--and no job. 5 months late the job came but we needed to move to Tallahassee, Fl. Talk about being depressed, I was going back to the South--a place I never fit in. Destiny seemed to have a rotten sense of humor.
So at the age of 46, I return to the South.
Educationally--all the progress we made in schools for Adam went down the tube fast. The south was so far behind in helping kids who had problems--even minor ones.
I knew I needed a part time job so I could always be there when he came home from school.
I took a job supervising a large church’s nursery and child care program. All the skills I had acquired would pay off and a few new skills added as I learned how to work with parents and their needs.
After 2 years I couldn’t tolerate the church board and quit. A mother asked if I could be her nanny--she only needed part time.
A nanny? Why that’s just a babysitter I thought but she paid me what I asked so I took the job of watching 4 kids who seemed to be a war with each other all the time. I quickly learned how to motivate cooperation and would later help this family through their divorce.
When the youngest went to school I left and took on 6 months old twins with one having Wiliams Syndrome. Eventually that job would end. I had always managed to get jobs with 30-35 hours. I was considered the high end of the pay scale in Florida. I knew it might be hard finding a job with those requirements but you can’t go down in pay without regretting it.
I was 48 years old. I thought, I am too old to try for another career.
The internet was out and I found out that being a nanny was a real profession! I joined nanny organizations and even went to a conference. I walked in feeling so in awe of the passionate and talented nannies.
I also saw parents advertising for help on the internet and wondered if there was a need for a temporary nanny who could help out till they hired the right one.
The idea of The Traveling Nanny was born. I had no idea what I was doing, just a dream or idea of how I could find a career where I determined my hours. My kids were grown but I still had a husband! So cautiously I approached my husband and told him about my idea of being a temporary nanny. When he understood this meant I would travel anywhere for 2-4 weeks he told me “look all your life you have traveled for my job. You are the one who had to sacrifice and you never complained. I know if you had not married me, you would have traveled the world, so go for it!” Now, true, he probably didn’t think it would be successful but it was all the encouragement I needed to start planing. I wrote over a 100 emails to the parents advertising and explained I was a temporary nanny that could help them out if they needed more time to search for the right nanny. Finally two people wrote back and said come! The first 5 years were hard. I took anything that came my way as I figured Destiny had put it in my inbox so I might as well accept it.
During that time I worked with two families where one of the spouses had been murdered, a mother alone after 20 years of being a stay at home mom and 4 kids--one with severe disabilities--in other words the first jobs were enough to make me want to quit…
Except...I had all these skills I had acquired in these other jobs and I saw first hand how I could make a difference to troubled families and to troubled kids.
I had no idea at the time how it would expand into travel. I just knew I had found my final Destiny. But life was far from perfect.
With all the problems Florida dumped on my son, I really hated Florida. I couldn’t wait for Jim to retire and get out!
So why did Destiny dump me in that place? Well, my son would have his own destiny and in Florida we took in his 14 year old friend who had no where to go. He became our “second son” even when he moved out and was on his own at 16. He became part of our family.
Jim’s company lost their contract when he was 61 and he found himself out of a job. He would find temporary jobs but at his age, there just wasn’t any opportunity in Florida and he didn’t want to make a major move again at 61 so he took an early retirement. I saw the opportunity to move out of Florida! My son was doing well on his own and I thought he could use the space away from us. After searching for places to live, we settled on Austin, Texas. It had affordable housing and decent airport. It was in the heart of Texas but was known for its diversity. We settled into a modest neighborhood 12 minutes from the airport. Finally, I thought, life is okay. My business was solid, I was well respected in the nanny world--I had even been selected in 2008 as Nanny of the Year by the International Nanny Assn. Surely, Destiny was done with me...
In 2009 I got this idea to take my kids back to Antwerp Belgium to meet their relatives. My Belgium stepfather raised me and I had been there once when I was young but had kept up with my cousins, aunts and uncles. My father had died and I wanted this trip to honor his memory. My daughter got married that year so I had to invite her husband but who would my son hang with? Why my second son of course! I began to plan the trip to last us a lifetime! I planned on the guys and Jim and I to visit Ireland, then London and then we would meet up with my daughter and her husband in Amsterdam. From there would take the train to Antwerp. Tons of obstacles came in those months of planning but it was like I was driven to make it work.
We had the best time of our lives and a huge bond was formed between the kids and their Belgium relatives. Adam had gotten a cold and wasn’t feeling great so my shy second son Clyde took over the social connection for him.
We got back and Adam went to the doctor and found out he was in 4th stage cancer. He had no symptoms.
We also found out my daughter was pregnant and he was so excited to finally be an uncle!
It was suppose to be a cancer we could beat. Even at 4th stage. He had no symptoms so we were hoping that after a hard battle--we would win.
But two days into chemo we lost him. We weren’t prepared to lose him this way. We never had a chance. We learned at his day of celebration where all his friends came to share Adam stories, how many lives he had touched, how many acts of random kindness he had given out.There were constant trials in his young life and you would think just when he was getting his life together, Destiny would give him a break. It’s easy to give up when tragedy hits you. He had touched so many people in his 28 years--he was a giving person and he left me with our second son, who was in our lives because we moved to Florida.
Clyde would be with us through the whole healing process as he fell apart without his best friend--his brother. He moved from Florida to be with us and we all began to heal.
Our little slacker knew Adam wanted him to get his life together so we put him through trucking school. He married this year to a wonderful girl and he has taken over being the uncle to Adam’s nephews born right after his death. The Belgium cousins came to the wedding and Clyde left a chair with Adam’s picture on it in the front pew.
I almost didn’t share this part. It’s painful but I didn’t want to leave you with the thought, my life was easy so it was easy for me to embrace challenges. I didn’t work for a year and my old clients, the one I had worked for once a year, wrote and told me when I was ready they would give me short jobs to help me back. Even the clients were still tied to my Destiny.
Destiny is not always kind. It doesn’t always seem consistent but it will always offer you challenges. Don’t run from them because you doubt your abilities. Don’t stop giving 110% because you think it isn’t an important job. When volunteer jobs tug at your heart--do them with enthusiasm because you never know what you will learn that you will need later.
Remember my list of skills I would need as a travel nanny? Endurance - high energy level
Fearless - Adventurous
Problem Solver
Intuitive
People skills
Professionalism - be able to take constructive criticism
Optimism/Independent
Perseverance
Adaptability
Business Skills
Be able to “think out of the box”
Do you see how at 25 I had only one or two of those skills and how it took 25 years to get the rest? Each section of my life had a purpose--I just didn’t know it. I wasn’t ready for this final career when I had young children and the world wasn’t at a place where this type of marketing could be successful. Every link is important. Rushing it just makes the link weak.
I leave you now with the challenge that when you are faced with difficult decisions or challenges--embrace them for you never know where they will lead you...Don’t be in a hurry to discover your final Destiny--enjoy the ride..
